Special Occasion Speech

In my presentational speaking class, our final speech is a special occasion speech. A special occasion speech is short, to the point, and given during a special occasion (duh). A special occasion can be anything from a funeral, to a birthday party, to a simple family gathering. Our speeches are to be 1.5-4 minutes long and I have no idea what to do for it. My first idea was a eulogy for my bank account, but I'm not sure if I should go that route. Here's what I have as of now:

First of all, I would like to thank everyone for coming today. I know this isn’t the best occasion for our meeting, but I’m sure he would have appreciated your attendance. In his absence, we will mourn this loss, but I know that if he could speak he would say he’d rather us embrace his life. He was always so dependable, and up until his death he was always willing to give financial support when it was needed most.
He helped me through so many trying times. His donations to fast food chain restaurants were always celebrated with the receiving of a deep fried meal. I will greatly miss the way he would text me, letting me know how much he had left to give. His death has left me officially broke, and as I waited for his life balance to dwindle to zero I received one last goodbye text.
I appreciate your kindness and support in this trying time and will be taking donations toward his burial, for I have very low funds since his demise. Thank you all for joining me today in honoring the memory of my bank account.

Please comment your thoughts, ideas, and criticisms; I need all the help I can get.

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